I knew that getting a yearling would be a challenge and that I had waited until perhaps the very last minute to do this in my life. A young horse is a good match for a rider in her 20s and 30s - at the top of her game, fitness, and agility. A woman in her 50s? Maybe pushing it just a little. Especially in my case, when I've been a desk jockey for a few years, not as fit or active as I was through my 40s.
But opportunities appear when they appear and I jumped at the chance to drive to northern Nevada to pick out a filly, a beautiful little quarterhorse. I had no idea what I was doing but I am surrounded by people who do know and I knew enough to ask them for help.
I got hurt and I came face to face with fear. Fear of getting hurt again. And now, almost four years later, that fear is really getting in the way. And I find myself angry, exasperated, and impatient with myself for the fear. Wondering how to best overcome the fear and anxiety. Wondering if I can ride this mare - not physically, but mentally.
It is a mind-game for sure. I saddle up the mustang, I ask of him, I expect of him, I know that he will come through. I sit confidently in the saddle and he responds to that. I watch the trainer ride my mare and I see the same thing. I get in the saddle on her and it all falls apart. Is it the mare? Nope, it is the rider. The anxiety creeps in, the mare can feel it, we are out of sync and it all falls apart. So what to do.
I believe I can get past my fear. A little fear when riding doesn't hurt at all - it keeps you alert, responsive, and makes sense. After all, you are riding 1000 lbs of rabbit-response. Too much fear isn't a good thing. It translates through your hands, through your seat and through your legs... and to a young mare looking for a leader, confidence and the next step - it isn't a good thing.
What to do? Sell the horse? What would that do for me? I have a relationship with this mare, I've been a part of her life for years now. I've invested quite a sum of money into training. None of that matters, of course, if I can't or won't ride her. I can ride her, this I know, if I can get my head out of the way.
She's coming home at the end of this month and we have a plan. Other people will help me keep the horse ridden. I will ride her and continue to do a lot of ground work with her. I'll watch others ride her. I'll get to know what she does when she's tense, or spooks, or wakes up marish. I'll ride a lot of other horses, as I think I've become too accustomed to just one horse. I'll push myself harder, to ride harder, faster, ask more, expect more and hone my own abilities.
I think it is going to be fine. Cause I'm looking in the mirror, not liking everything I see and wanting to find a better reflection the next time I look.
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