Grief comes in all shapes and sizes - there is something to fit everybody. It takes its time living in your body, coloring your world, changing everything in an instant. No one gets to escape it and the longer you live, the more you have to come to terms with it.

We lost our lovely Bella and my heart is broken - again. I realized the other day that what bothers me about getting older is not so much my wrinkles or the changes in my body but the accummulation of loss that comes with time. Dogs and horses have broken my heart again and again yet I keep on inviting them in to steal my heart.
And of course, the scales are tipped the other way. The amount of joy, laughter, and love that an animal brings into one's life is hardly matched by the sorrow. Bella was only with us for seven short months but she was a part of me from the moment I laid eyes on her and the wealth of memories will stay with me long after the pain of losing her eases.

It is harder on Feather than it is on JC and me, we think. We can't explain to her why she is suddenly alone for the first time in her three years and she keeps looking for her little buddy. Going back through photos to create these collages I was reminded of how much time the two spent playing. Hours a day. Hours. Now, Feather is stuck with us - boring humans that we are. A walk, a ride in the truck, some time with a tennis ball. Not nearly satisfying.

JC throws himself into work and busy-ness in order to deal with the pain and the loss. Me? I write. I write and I reflect and I cry - not just a little, but a lot. I walk and cry, clean house and cry, write and cry. Good thing I work from home cause I haven't been fit to be in public.

Bella's death was preventable and that has made it even harder to bear. There is no excuse for not insuring the safety of the animals you take on - and I will probably never forgive myself for not doing the right thing by her. I made a promise to her when I took her home and in return she gave me unconditional, limitless love, loyalty, and trust. And I -we- betrayed that trust. It is a hard thing to live with.

You don't know how many times in the last few days I would have given anything to take back that day. And all weekend while we rode the roller coaster of hope and dread just willing her to pull through. And those last hours while I watched her slip away right before my eyes. And those last minutes when I felt her heart stop beating and her last little gasping breaths.

What a light she was in our lives. It has been pretty quiet around here the past few days. We go to bed early and sleep late, we go through the motions of daily life. We try to be good to Feather. We've even looked at other Queensland heeler pups on the internet. Because no matter how impossible it is to replace Bella, and no matter how much it hurts to lose her, we will always have dogs. And she showed us what a wonderful breed the cattle dog is and what a great match for a lab. They were quite the pair.

JC and I have lost too many good dogs in the time we've been together. Denali to cancer, Abby to old age, Chance to stupidity, and now Bella to poison. Bella and I should have had a long long time together and realizing that we won't is a jagged pill to have to swallow.

I've got to move on - I can't let the loss of this lovely puppy paralyze me or jeopardize the many other wonderful things in my life but I feel hollowed out, punched in the gut, empty. She is everywhere I look but she is nowhere.

I thought it might help to write this and to post these photos. I've written every detail in my journal and although I may never read it again it helps to get it all out. No judgement there - just the blank pages welcoming the pen and the rhythm of the words going to paper. Journaling has always helped me through the rough spots.

So good-bye sweet Bella. Losing you is such a blow. You gave me so much in your brief little life and you will always be with me.
